The design and make up of a persons mind (internal representation)) may from the outside seem quite complicated but it is actually reality quite simple in its make-up and can be likened to that of a mathematical equation.

A + B = C

As we discussed before the mind forms its representation of the world outside not from actual reality but what it internally represents as reality.

From these internal perceptions we form 2 main representation which are self esteem and self confidence.

Self esteem
This area is how a person views themselves as an individual and is level 4 of Maslow (see above) and is probably one of the most misperceived levels of Maslow. High self esteem would create an ability to follow ones own heart and internal drive, without the need to be around other for fear of loss. At this stage a person realizes although they are an individual they are part of a whole and therefore not separate and although people may reject them, they would not feel rejected as they see beyond the fear of the rejecter trying to establish a sense of control over them. This goes beyond a feeling of acceptance and security in the social world.

Self confidence
Whereas self esteem is to do with how we see ourselves in relation to others, confidence is the ability to realize that we can perform a task to a competent ability, that task may be DIY, fixing a car, public speaking, making love or how to debate effectively. Every time a person “does” something or takes action to make something happen they will have to go through a series of steps in order perform it correctly.

Overly confident?
Some people are said to be overly confident such as to believe they are a great singer when they are not in tune, although this may seem like confidence it is not as it is aligning with what they perceive to be the reality (or what they would like to be) rather than aligning with actual reality. This refusal to align with actual reality is a form of denial and is actually born from low self esteem (fear of rejection)

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During stressful conditions the body will release certain hormones into the bloodstream to help it become more resilient under what it may perceive as a potential threat to survival. Although the hormone release may in some circumstances feel uncomfortable, it is essential for our own safety. The only unfortunate thing is that the original purpose was to enable the person to escape from a potential physical threat, but in today’s world, the physical threats (in many places) are much less, today it is more on the level of “being shouted at from the boss” or “being rejected” but the hormone release is still preparing us for a physical threat, which sit in the body draining the energy as it is making the body work much faster. The main two stress hormones which are released to help us are known as Noradrenalin and Cortisol. But they also drain the energy at a high rate, “high output – low duration”

There are many ways in which to move forward through limiting beliefs, but in order to do so effectively, it is essential that the mind does not become consumed with stressful thoughts. As mentioned there are many ways of doing this but here we will discuss what is known as conscious distractions and reframes.

There are literally hundreds of these techniques in many books by many authors and far to numerous to list. A distraction/reframe is literally a mental technique to draw the attention away from the stressful thought to a more pleasant one, we can see this when a small child is upset and the parent acts in a silly manner pulling smiley faces until the child starts to laugh, if the child is laughing, they usually forget about the upsetting situation, even if it for a short period of time.

There are pro’s and cons for using these techniques and both should be observed before using them.

Benefits:

1. It distracts the mind away from the pain, lessening the uncomfortable thought patterns.

2. If the attention is on happy thoughts the hormone release may slow

3. It gives the person another option of thought.

Limitations:

1. It is only conscious so therefore short term benefit

2. It may offend the other if not done in a correct manner

3. It could in some cases increase the painful emotion

Any conscious mind reframe or distraction is only effective when the person using it is focused upon it, as soon as they lose their focus, the dominant sub-conscious thoughts begin to expand through the mind and if they are a limiting belief pattern they will begin to re-act to situation with stress again, doing its best to protect from perceived threats. To gain the most benefits from self improvement, work with the emotions as well as just the thoughts.

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Overcoming fears and facing situations which appear daunting can be one of the most challenging areas in a person’s life. As we have previously discussed, all people will feel a surge of adrenalin when facing a new area, which as we now know is a part of the human make-up. The adrenalin is there (as we covered in day 2) to help a person become more ‘switched on’ if there was any danger whilst on route to their goal. Facing a fear is entirely the person’s prerogative, and anyone who chooses to face their fears must also be prepared to deal with and accept the consequences as a result of their actions.

The big push

A very old school method of teaching children how to overcome their fear of deep water was to take them to the deepest part of the pool and throw them in with or without their consent. The teacher would then believe that this would be an ‘instant’ cure to the child’s phobia. If the child did respond well to this method, that was good. However, the flip side to this method is that it can send the child back even further to create a deeper fear than before as it may overpower the individual and reverse all the previous successes.

Little steps = huge leaps

When facing a fear, to some people it can almost appear to grow in size and ferocity. Facing a grumpy boss may bring fears of losing a job or even being physically attacked. This may never happen but a fearful mind may not be logical in its thoughts. So the exercise in today’s programme is regarding a gradual exposure to a fear, thereby facing the intimidation in small manageable steps. The whole fear may overwhelm a person instantly, but facing one part of that fear on its own can (in many cases) be easier to handle.

There is less risk of being overpowered if a fear is challenged in small manageable steps.

The Fear Ladder

Get a piece of paper and draw a ladder

Each ladder has seven steps into which the main fear has been sectioned, and each is one move closer to overcoming the whole fear.

Guidelines

1. Write in the top ‘step’ the fear you wish to overcome.

2. Write in the lowest step, one step you could take to move forward today.

3. In step 2 write the next action you could take to move forward after

step 1.

4. In step 3 write the next action you could take to move forward after

step 2.

5. Then repeat up to the top step.

If you do not feel comfortable taking the steps, you may wish to add more steps or reduce the size of the goal.

Feel free to do this as often as you can with all the fears and step by step release them all.

The author of this Article is a Paul Ryder who is a UK based emotional intelligence, coach, personal trainer and author. Paul is the director of Future Mind Training and has been studying his field for over 17 years. After working through challenges of depression, from bullying and abuse he now trains teachers, company directors and leading sports people to reach their true potential.

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To some people, stress can be a painful experience which would rather be avoided, as it can appear to cloud judgment, turn the strong into weak and leave a person suffering for hours, days or even weeks, with a sickly, tense feeling, sometimes leading to irritability, poor sleeping and confusion.

However it is viewed, a stress reaction can be a beneficial reaction if it is handled and viewed in the correct way. What we will class as stress at the moment (or the release of ‘adrenalin’) has the ability to help us become stronger, faster and more agile in the event of danger, thereby offering us an option of having a powerful source of energy, should we require it.

Adrenalin is a chemical in the human body which is released when the person senses that there is a possible physical threat to themselves or the people around them. Adrenalin has an ability to speed up the processes of the body (liken that to a turbo boost in a car).

The reactions could be any of the following:

A pounding heart, breathlessness, shaking limbs and muscles, a dry mouth, a weak bladder, cold sweating, disorientation, light headedness, feeling cold and clammy, distorted vision or a slurred or stuttered speech.

Under a stress reaction, it is possible for the person to view it as being a symptom of weakness. However, it is the body becoming stronger and being able to deal with a dangerous situation more effectively. For example, the blood will pump faster to reach the muscles at a faster rate, the muscles will shake as the nervous system is speeding up ready to move faster, and the sickly feeling may be to expel food so the muscles can use the energy that would otherwise be used to digest the food.

When the body releases adrenalin, it has only one purpose and that is to do its job. The adrenalin will ask no questions, it just does its job and as previously discussed its job is to speed up the body and mind in order to help the person to become stronger. This can help the person either overpower the danger (fight) or to run away from the danger (flight). This is more commonly known as the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome.

Adrenalin when released into the bloodstream will carry on increasing the heartbeat and make the muscles work faster until it has been used up. If the person does not use the adrenalin by taking some kind of physical activity, it can stay in the bloodstream until the body can get rid of it. This however, can take longer than exercise.

If the adrenalin is left in the body, it will keep the body working at a faster rate even when the danger or threat has passed. This can lead to sleepless nights, irritability, lack of concentration and a loss of appetite.

Physical exercise is a great way to help reduce the stress levels within the body. Anybody who is considering taking up physical activity should initially consult their doctor to ensure that they are safe to exercise. A very important point to make to anyone who is considering taking up exercise is not to do too much too soon; this could have the reverse effect and leave the body exhausted. A good starting point is walking round the block or riding a bike.

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How to Find Our Fears

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Franklin D Roosevelt

A good library will usually have at least one book on what fear actually is. It is always a good idea to expand the knowledge and study several authors on any subject that is chosen. Some say that most of a person’s fear is not really there, or they may use the acronym:

Fear stands for:

F-false E-evidence A-appearing R-real

Maybe it is a possibility that a person’s fears are not really there and most of what they fear is not going to happen, but the fact remains that the fear, real or not, is still triggering off a release of adrenalin. Remember the example about the boy and the park in yesterday’s information? There might not be big bullies hanging round waiting for him in the park, but that may still not stop the boy’s body triggering a stress reaction.

A stress reaction can still trigger whether or not the situation is happening at this very moment; this is otherwise known as worrying. Worrying is something that a person may do if they are unsure about the situation. Work can be used as a relevant example concerning worry. A person with a tense manager may begin to worry because they are trying to prepare for the threat of a shouting boss; they are unsure what to do as they are afraid to leave or shout back. They worry because they feel trapped.

One way to look at a person’s mindset if they are worrying about life could be that they are assuming a possible threat around unfamiliar corners. This could also be classed as living in a state of fear, and for some people once worry sets in (just as in the tree story) it can grow and grow sometimes completely unbeknown to either the person’s friends/family or even themselves. Stress, fear, worry – or any other title the bearer wishes to give it – can slowly and surely creep into a person’s mind; sometimes it seems completely unnoticeable whilst the person is distracted by the challenges of life.

Stress can be created from worrying about fears or unresolved issues. Further explained, an unresolved issue may keep the little person in the computer room constantly looking out for when that ‘possible threat’ could appear. It could almost be viewed as the little person is on constant watch and is trying to keep the person awake to deal with it when it happens, but because his job is to be aware of a threat and help them deal with it, until it is resolved he may keep them awake (with shots of adrenalin) until it (the situation) is resolved. These unresolved issues may be waiting for an exam result, a meeting with the boss, or even worrying if there is a spider in the house 24 hours a day.

There are several methods of dealing with these situations. One technique is to find out what the ‘actual fear’ is. For some people, worrying seems to occur when they are unsure what it is they are worrying about. Sometimes the mere fact of seeing the doubt or concern of what is causing the worry is enough to dampen its intimidation, almost like turning on the light when a child is convinced there is a monster in a dark bedroom at night.

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Many times in life people who experience upset or are in a state of low energy have been told to “pull yourself together” or “don’t worry, it’ll soon pass” as if the situations they are experiencing are some sort of a random situation and their physical symptoms are something that will simply vanish. Or what about on the other side of the coin, where we can experience total peace and tranquillity one moment and then it seems to be just a distant memory the next. Are we just beings that can only experience a spectrum of emotions in a hap hazard way where the outside world determines our feelings?

The answer to that question is a definite NO!

Emotions although they seem to rush at us one minute and are distant the next are still a scientific equation, and with the correct mental attitude, knowledge, practice and discipline we can choose how we respond to a situation, so we are in control of it rather than it being in control of us. In many cases the answer is right there in front of our eyes, take for example the term “reaction” and break it down.

“re” – “action”

Meaning that these feelings are a repeated action, if they are repeated that must equate to the fact that they have been created somewhere before, and just like the proverbial tree, if we were to travel back in time and pull up the root, the tree would not exist today.

The twin souls of reaction and responsibility

When we were being made by our creator, we were assigned two protectors called “reaction” and “responsibility”. Reaction was the hastier of the two brothers and quite dominant in many ways to his older brother Responsibility and as the centuries went by Reaction used to be the first to speak up for any person he watched over when there was any sign of danger, however Reaction had to learn what was a threat and what was safe by the experiences he saw in each and every person he protected from them being a small child. In many people he watched over, he saw great danger and learned to assume that as it was only a small child he protected and hey had no power, so had to persuade the person to get out of the way or persuade the person to attack the danger to stay safe. Reactions motto was, “the person is a child and has no power” and this was the way it was.

However, Reaction grew paranoid and started to think that if one thing was a threat, what if something that was similar to the first thing was also a threat? So he started to react to that too and sooner or later by the time the person he watched over was seven years old Reaction had his list of things that he assumed were a danger and anything that reminded him of that danger would get him to react too!

So in the real world as the person was growing to adulthood they would listen to the voice of Reaction and continually react with the only knowledge they had, which was run away or attack, these could be experiences of panic, fear, wanting to run away, fear of rejection, anger or laughing for no seemingly no reason. Reaction continued his plan of action believing he was right to do this as he had no other information.

All this time however his sleepy brother “Responsibility” was secretly the wiser of the two and although he could at any time jump in and offer an alternative he didn’t because he had been ignored so many times when he offered his opinion in the past. Responsibility was very clever how he gave his opinion as he always has access to the subconscious mind and the vast amount of information it process per second and Responsibility (also know as “Response – Ability”) can truly asses from the current minute whether something is a danger or not and then gives his opinion through “intuition” or “gut feeling” where as Reaction uses the memory as an assessment of danger, always looking into the past and trapped in the fear and doubt of childhood.

And so the story continues; we all have a choice, but only through awareness can we choose to listen to Responsibility. Will you listen to the Reactions of the past or take Responsibility of the current moment? You can’t look left and right at the same time!

A simple exercise to unhook your reactions

1. Get a piece of paper and a pen and wright down one reaction that causes you a challenge or worry. This could be how you react if somebody says no to you or if you are asked to do a public speech.
2. Then when you see it on paper ask yourself, how many times can you remember having this same reaction in other situations and wright those down too.
3. When you have that list, sit quietly and think of the earliest possible memory attached to this feeling or fear, anger or other uncomfortable emotion.
4. When you have that, ask yourself what you react in that way for, what were you trying to achieve, protection? Avoidance? Attention? Etc..
5. Sticking with that memory, place yourself back there as if it was happening right now and as yourself “what other ways could I have reacted?” and play them out in your mind and imagine different results happening back then.

As explained in the film “what the bleep” we can see that some people can become addicted to the hormones of these reactions and therefore not want to give up this “high” even though they seem unhappy. However it is portrayed, there is still a pattern of behaviour to create this result and it is not a random equation and staying addicted to the reactive hormones leaves us a prisoner in our own minds, but it doesn’t have to be this way, we can always choose other options and be free to experience all the enjoyment we desire when we gain control of our own reactions and responsibility and it all depend on knowledge and practice!

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Many businesses are talking about “tightening the belt or “cutting back” because of the recession that we currently face, but how much of it is the real truth?

One company a friend of mine works for was explaining the other day how they have cut 60%of the staffs wage by £90 per week (an average of £390 per calendar month) and now my friend may have to sell their house, however the company then turn round one month later boasting profits of over £20,000 in that month and the director has upgraded his car??

It is easy for a company to manipulate the economy when there is an excuse and these manipulations can be made in more ways than one.

1.     Business owners may stop promoting for fear of people not buying resulting in a lack of customer awareness so profits drop.

2.     Staff may be manipulated in to the old “your lucky to have a job” and possibly take advantage of staff’s fear of not getting another job so they don’t leave.

3.     Some businesses may increase prices of necessities increasing daily cost of living, for example I used to shop at Tesco’s for all my food but some of the products (e.g. tinned Tuna) nearly doubled in price in one week earlier this year. So they have now lost half of my weekly food budget as I shop around.

The only note I strongly suggest is when somebody starts quoting the recession to you and especially if it affects your financial income, do not just take their word for it as they may have a money fear attached to the sell. It is true many people have lost their jobs and are now unemployed but there are still hundreds of millionaires in the UK; it is just a case of tapping into the wealth.

Where can you look can ensure you get the best deal?

Keep all options available and don’t subscribe to others implied fears!

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I have just finished watching the film “the village” i guess it has been out for a few years now and although i have watched it before i never really took as much notice as i did this time.

For those of you who haven’t watched the film it is about a group of people who experience great loss of their loved ones to crime, so hey go into hiding by creating their own village which appears to look like its from 1800′s but really they are in year 2004.

Although they are safe in hiding, it is only their money that is keeping them hidden and the rest of the village ignorant to the world outside. what if their money ran out and they had to leave? what if their hidden village was invaded by crime? how would these people who had lived ignorant all their lives cope?

This is kind of like alcoholism, drink to avoid the world and live pretending it is all ok, although technically alcoholics rarely feel all is ok, and is that not the way here???

People living in a pretend world – pretending all is ok, knowing it is not?

We can pretend that the pain is not there all we like but at the end of the day we can’t lie to ourselves, regardless of if we accept the truth in our mind or not, in our hearts (our emotional self) we will always know we are running away from the truth.

Face your fear and understand it!

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When does sex become making love?   Many people claim to make love but during the act and even after, they are left with a deep sense of lack or simply a feeling of not totally being there with the other person.   The basic act of sex itself requires no emotion and can be done for physical gratification as we see in the business deal of prostitute and client, however making love is the act of becoming so intimate with your partner that the slightest touch on the skin can feel like electricity or a gentle caress can feel like silk on the body, states like this can only experience this when we are totally relaxed and feel secure with ourselves, which in turn will allow us to feel secure with our partner. Next time you are with your partner ask yourself the following.  

1. Do you trust your partner? Trust is the most vital part of making love. To experience a complete and full orgasm it requires that we totally surrender to ourselves and our partner and for us to totally surrender to our partner it means we have to totally trust them. If you do have trust issues with your partner sit down and ask yourself what it is you feel uncomfortable about? Your shape? Your weight? Will they reject you?
2. Do you like yourself? The chances are if you do not like yourself, then your partner may feel uncomfortable with your tension and it will cause friction during the act and will probably end up being a clucky sex session rather than intimate love making.
3. Do you have a balanced life? If you are a workaholic or a serial worrier and focus on one thing far too much in your life rather that a balance of home, work, social, health, mind and spiritual, there may be an imbalance in your energy leaving one of the six energy tanks low. If an energy tank is low the emotions will feel insecure and focus more balancing up your life rather than your partner.
4. Do you compromise with your partner? This again is another trust area. With compromise it means in all areas not just the bedroom. If one partner feels the other is too demanding or controlling they will fear letting go totally as this may leave them vulnerable, even if they say they let go their survival instinct will never truly let them relax. Sharing goes a long way!
5. Do you really talk? Do you allow each other in emotionally in general life? Too many times in life partners say “Love you” without any real meaning and as above, even if they say the words the sub-conscious will not allow a true flow when being intimate.

  Love making is about letting go to your partner and really feeling the person you are with. A lack of trust is the main blockage and if you feel insecure in you, fear of rejection etc… it will be passed on to your partner and they will not truly be able to relax, making love is like a mirror with both reflecting the others feeling back to each other. Do you completely trust and let go to your partner?

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