It is a well known fact that millions of people all over the world suffer the agonising pain of feeling of rejection after the euphoric high of feeling desired in everyway by a “new love”. Many describe it like that of a rollercoaster a high and a swooping low, but with the low comes lots of pain, pain that makes some people curl up into a little ball wanting it to all go away.

But is there any game play going on here, in many cases it is not something that the rejecter will be aware of but it may be a power play all the same. This game can be played on anybody of any age, male or female. So lets look more closely at the potential game
It is so natural to be desired and wanted – it is human trait, even so far as to class it as genetic, but the desires we have can be manipulated if the other person has learned how to.

Take note of the following steps to ensure you don’t get caught

Stage 1, Hook: Is the initial hook where the level of excitement is high, where both people want to be desired by the other, this could be a first meeting or the fun and games of getting together but not actually together – the “what is going to happen next?”

Stage 2, Connection: The connection has now been made and the levels of being desired are getting to the peak, and the honeymoon period is in full swing.

Stage 3, Fracture: This is when the honeymoon period slows a little or one of the two wants to start taking control. The controller wants to be desired and may have a fear that there will never be enough desire or simply want to be lusted after to feel in control of another person.

Stage 4, Rejection: This stage is the one where the person who desires control will have created a level of desire from the other person by being affectionate, lustful, the promise of exclusive pleasure such as sex or sharing intimate information. Having the feeling of being totally accepted leaves the other person feeling secure and they let down their guard, but when this is suddenly taken away the person feels a shock wave and very unsettled.

Stage 5, The needy hunger: Stage five is where the other person has sharply had their security taken away by the other person leaving and then want to restore that loss by trying to gain the one who wants control back, but the unfortunate reality is that the more the hurt party gives the controller attention, the more payoffs the controller is getting leading to an almost futile game of cat and mouse going round and round.

Note: In many cases both parties have no idea what is happening and it is usually a sub-conscious game. If you feel you have been caught in this before, read each step carefully and see what it was that caught you.

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Rejection is a strange situation to experience for anybody, and just like fingerprints no two will be the same. For some people it can leave them devastated for days, weeks, months or even years, but yet for others somebody walking out on them or even being cheated on is simply water of a ducks back and they get o with their lives as if nothing has happened. So what is it that allows these two opposites to occur? Genetics? Possibly, but that’s not what we are going to cover here.

If we are to fully understand the pain around rejection, we must first look at the persons life before the relationship and also how they see the world or their perception.

Firstly a persons life before the relationship can have a huge impact on why they get into it in the first place, if for example they get together because they do not want to be alone then there is always a high risk of there being high pressure on the other to fulfil the others ongoing needs, pressure being things such as demands on time, constant texting/calls and ongoing questions, this eventually leading to the other person wanting to escape
Secondly the persons perception, so they believe they are unlovable? Not desired? Unwanted? If any of these are at the back of a persons mind then fear of losing their current lover will weigh heavy in their thoughts, leading them to act in a manner which is not who they are, eventually causing confusion.

So the above is a possible cause of rejection but how do people who suffer its crippling blow come to terms with it? Well the answer is above in what we have covered.

The pain in 90% of people comes from losing somebody that they rely on for something, such as company, love, sex, fun, etc and then if that person was to go and the rejected person was to feel alone, unlovable and unable to get anybody else because they are not good enough, then they have not just lost a partner but a whole lifestyle, leaving them as if their whole world has crashed.

The solution to this does not need to be drawn out or complicated but in a simple answer, pain in rejection comes more from looking at “what else have we lost” rather than just a lover. This is why people can love again because it is not always the partner that we miss but all the lifestyle that we create together. The people who move on quickly are the people who realise this and look to build their lifestyle back again rather than the fear that they cannot as nobody will want them again.

If you have ever been through this or are going through pain right now, ask what it is that you feel you have lost…

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***Note*** If the video is not showing please install flash onto your computer!

What defines dependancy? and how would you know if you are yourself?
Thousands of people everyday live in this situation and many of them have no idea that its happening until a break up happens leaving them completely confused.

In this video we cover how to spot the main signals and what to do to counter balance the situation

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Facebook is by far the most popular social networking portal on the internet, of that there is no doubt, and surely a “social networking” site should bring people closer together and reward the members with a more fulfilling life, but due to research there seems to be something under the radar that can affect people more than they realise.

Each and everyday millions of people log on and hope in vain that they have that all awaited number perched happily above their messages to say that somebody has sent them a mail, this for anybody is a great feeling to know that somebody has reached out and wants to speak to us. In many cases it is a friend who wants to pass the time of day or send us some exciting news they want to share. Or it may be a new person who we have never spoke to us before and wants to make a new friend.

So how does that affect the sex life?
In days gone by before the internet became so popular and most of the world rushed home to log on, most people socialised by phoning up a friend, going to the local bar and catching up. Being in the social circle and actually speaking to people was a great way to form new friendship and possibly even a relationship.
It is true that facebook gives us a fantastic opportunity to meet ne people online and chat to find if there is any connection and then meet up, but is this not where the glitch appears??

With the increasing social pressure of looking the right way and wearing the right clothes, the media can bombard and confuse many people into feeling rejectable and below standard and in many cases without them even realising it.
Social media such as facebook can give any member carrying that fear of rejection a fantastic place to hide from observing eyes whilst still feeling like they are connecting with the outside world.

For single people with a fear of rejection this can be fatal, with thousands of people all over the world online at any moment in time it is possible to strike up a conversation with somebody they like the look of at any point 24 hours a day and the image that the other person can portray online may be more of a fantasy than actual reality. The reason this can be fatal is the hopes and dreams of the facebook addict can continually inspired with person after person after person leading to endless conversations day after day month after month and so on, leaving the person sat crouched over the monitor hoping that “the next” will be the one but continually being left in the dark.
If any of the socialites want to feel empowered it is very easy to say the right thing to make the other person think they are desired in everyway, but is the other person just after control? What is said behind a computer may be a far cry from reality. This endless drug and fantasy of being desired can fulfil the feeling and hopes but in reality leaves a person very lonely both physically and mentally and emotionally. If the only relationship a person has is with a few words which appear on the monitor rather than with an actual person exactly what exactly is this doing to the sex life and or any other life for that matter?
Balance is the key, don’t get caught!

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This article has been created from interviews with over 100 women

Every person who walks the earth has the burning desire to live the life they want, and the more fun we can have the better. Life is not meant to be dull, the mind cannot accept drudgery and uniformity, the mind craves stimulation and excitement as much as the body needs food.

Although the world is jam packed with opportunities to live our lives the way we want, to have the financial wealth, social life, career and the family we dream of, how many ever truly have that? Many of the educational systems that train us as children cover aspects of knowledge such as Maths, English and Trigonometry, but how many breach the waters of goals setting and living to the true potential?

Are we taught as a race to colour within the lines, don’t walk on the grass and be a good person by ignoring our feeling and putting others first?
Although it is very inspiring to see women living their true potential and being free to do what they want, how many women are actually kept down? During the research of these topics I have heard countless stories of how women can be treated as second rate, especially in the business world, unfortunate but true in many cases.

It can sometimes be extremely challenging to move forward against suppression without being seen to be a trouble causer, and a suppression that is so subtle and habitual that it can barely be noticeable (except to those who feel its grip)
But for those women out there who do feel that they have to colour between the lines and ignore their drive to move forward, does that actually stop the “feeling” of wanting to move forward? It’s doubtful….

So where do the bad boys come into this?
Well as we saw from part 1, the bad boy creates an air of the hero, a chance to have an adventure, a feeling of “come with me and we can ride off into the sunset” and what could be more attractive to any women who feels society is going to suppress her and she can’t win than the bad boy who rides up and offers promise of mystery and excitement and a world wind romance to take all the troubles away! A promise that they will be on the side of the lady they love, fighting for their freedom equally as one person, to be truly heard and understood and treated with true respect in everyway!

Is this not the doorway to ultimate freedom! The dream of being truly accepted for whom she truly is, giving the ultimate opportunity for self expression?

Personal view by Paul Ryder
These article’s are created from the views of women I have interviewed and on this particular topic is still surprises me how much suppression there is in life. Men and woman are equal and each sex has their different gifts. Suppression is created by self conscious people who want to control others and this is not just related to women, men can suffer tremendous guilt by being labelled as a bad boy when they are not. There is good and bad in us all and it is important to observe that before we cast judgement.

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It is a regularly used phrase by thousands if not millions of women across the globe that they always seem to go for the “bad boy” even though they know it is not right or a good relationship move, yet they still do, the questions begs as to why??
There are a great many reasons for this to happen and in this article we are going to cover one of the most powerful.

The human drive is one that nobody can avoid, even the effect of drugs and alcohol eventually pale in comparison to the human spirit. Nature by its very design is made for us to connect to each other; in fact the very survival of our race depends on it.

The phrase “only the strongest survive” is very apt here and although this can come with some debate issues, it is a very real need for us to associate with the strongest and skilful of those in our social circle. The purpose of doing this can take us back to survival itself, given that our lives can be sometimes very unstable or volatile can lead to the feelings of doubt and/or insecurity, this doesn’t even have to mean that we see ourselves as weak, but if there is only one of us to look after our home, how could we ever truly rest? Who would guard us and support us when we sleep or are ill?

To explain the “good girls/bad boys” question, we must revisit the “hunter/gatherer” (Men provide food and Women support the home/nest) and although in some people the mere mention of this can be seen as sexist, this mindset has been with us for thousands of generations and in many cases is built into our genetics and no matter how much a person may deny this the fact, it still remains that this has been a huge part of our evolution up to date and although we have a great deal of control of our lives with our minds, our genetic make-up still determines a great deal. This is where the bad boy attitude can play a huge part in attracting a partner.

Perception is reality! If we observe the bad boy and his attitude, it can appear that he is the king of the crop, the provider, the hero who may leap into a burning building to save a child and then cuddle up to the woman he loves all in one swoop, a real Man’s man but with the hint that he has a heart full of love and will put others first and if this is displayed who would (male or female) not want to be around that? Genetics take over and the rest is history….

So why the disaster?
Remember perception is reality, just because a bad boy displays these heroic attitude does not mean that he is one. It is easy to copy moves and hint that he is the leader, a subtle word here, a posh car there all go to building the reputation of the hero and if displayed in a certain way many would not even question it as to some questioning the bad boy could even question the dream that they don’t exist.

True heroes do exist but so many can act in a certain way and appear and as we all know appearances can be deceiving

Never judge a person by the style of the armour, but by the heart that is behind it!

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If we are to fully understand the workings of emotional intelligence we must first observe and study one of the fundamental theorist of last century known as Abraham Maslow. Maslow was probably best known for his hierarchy of needs which described the flow of emotional growth In a person and also explained how and why a person may not move on in life if they are experiencing a certain situation or why they may move forward for seemingly no reason.

Below is his creation known as the Hierarchy of needs, and the theory behind this is that each level cannot be fully connected to unless the lower level has been emotionally fulfilled, for example if a person would like a beautiful relationship (level 3) but is about to lose their home (level 1) their mind will now be physical, mentally or emotionally able to focus on anything other than sorting out the home (survival)

Level one – Basic needs

This is the level that requires food, water and shelter. Without food and water all life would be severely at risk, with the possibility of death. This then is more important to life than any other area.

Level two – Security needs

Once a person has the ability to eat and stay alive, the next fundamental need is that of security. This security covers emotional, (will I be rejected?), physical (will I be attacked?) and mental (will I be harassed?). If a person does not feel secure, this can lead to a feeling of wanting to avoid life and stay in the comfort zone.

Level three – Relationship needs

If the basic and security needs are fulfilled, a person may feel secure enough to connect with other people and to form effective relationships with those people like and different from him or herself. The degree of satisfaction derived from this area can be directly related to how secure a person feels in their life.

Level four – Self-esteem needs

When a person feels comfortable in connecting with other people and can form effective relationships (people skills), the person can then progress to self esteem, which states that the person is then seen as worthy to others and to him or herself, or that the person knows he or she is valuable to others and can therefore do their own thing without looking for approval, this is also known as true independence.

Level five – Self actualisation

This is the highest level and covers the needs for self-fulfilment and
self-development to find out ‘who’ they are inside. This can be a particularly daunting task to undertake if the person has not undertaken the lower levels.

If you are not where you feel you could be in life, don’t try harder to do what already does not work, but work on what is holding you back. Usually most people limiting actions come from level 2 (security need) buried deep inside. Look within and work with your mind and remember, you can’t beat nature!

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Types of manipulation
To look at this section more closely we must first define what manipulation actually is. The dictionary can provide many explanations of this word but here we will describe it as;

“An act upon a situation either mental emotional or physical, which the outcome is desired to be changed from that which it was expected to be”

Manipulation comes in many forms but here we will describe the 3 main types.

1. Physical
Physical manipulation is the most pertinent of all manipulation because if it is done against our will it can literally destroy our sense of power. If when we are small and an adult picks us up, this may be perceived as a loving gesture and create a feeling of connection, however on the other hand if the child is trying to escape for fear of being beaten by an angry adult and the adult grabs the child whilst laughing, the sense of power is destroyed in the child leaving a feeling of helplessness. This feeling if buried as a belief may still continue to be a belief even if the person is more than capable of defending themselves when they are a adult.

2. Mental
This area can be likened to that of confidence. The mind at the end of the day is the only resource we can use to observe the world and as we see reality through our beliefs rather than reality, any questioning of our minds ability can lead to a devastating effect on our growth. Internally we will know the difference between right and wrong, but if as children we are forced (risk to our survival) to do something against our justification, the mind itself will be manipulated by itself causing great inner backlash. We can observe this in the “parent idolisation model” and when a person starts to question their own reference of the world in a grab of security they will reach out for support from others and remain dependent until the cycle is broken.

3. Emotional
Although this may appear to be very alike the mental manipulation it is in a different category. As the mental manipulation is in the confidence section this then leaves the emotional manipulation to dwell in the self esteem section. Our emotions (or how we feel) drive us to desire to connect to others and form happy harmonious relationships not only with other but with ourselves. An dis-harmonious act upon this from other as we are a child may again lead us to question “is it safe to self express” if we feel it is not safe, again we may start to look to others for that support or totally reject others (over independence) but both ways are rejection of harmony. One of the main emotional manipulations that a person could be placed under is that of guilt, guilt is a particularly crippling emotional manipulation and one that is the most common as it is so effective. Guilt literally creates a self attack on the person through a fear that they have done something wrong and therefore what they have done may cause them loss. This fear gives the person nothing to fight against and therefore leaves them as their own prisoner. When a person is like this it makes easy target practice for bullies and other manipulators.

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Today we are watching an emerging generation that seem more skilled than any generation before in the art of the internet. It is a common joke that “you should ask a teenager” if you are stuck on how to use the internet and text language such as wot,wen, and cani do it, is becoming more of a frustration to employers and parents all around the world. The phrase “kids of today” may be a bit of a humorous joke to say for somebody professing to be an authoritarian adult, but when does the joke stop and the grim reality that children are becoming more consumed by the virtual world start?

Although networking sites such as Myspace and Facebook are in some respects a great way to bring people together, it does seem to bring with it an alternate reality where people who fear confrontation and or rejection a great way to say what they want to say behind the protective shroud of the monitor.

As an emotional intelligence coach, I see people everyday who are battling with their fear of rejection and will do anything to avoid that gripping physical and stressful pain, when the words NO appear in their direction in conflict, and unfortunately the internet seems to offer the protective shroud that would otherwise force them to face their fear and stand strong.

If people are able to avoid their fear and stay in the ignorant world of avoidance, where will this end? and to what detriment? If a person does not learn the art of facing fear and more importantly their fear of rejection by working with others (to realise that they are in fact desirable to others), how can they ever learn how to truly love, after all is true love nothing but  the ability to sacrifice?

The internet is an amazing gift to the world, but unless people start to wake up and realise that only through genuine human contact and standing strong can they create a balanced mind and emotional life, the world is slowly going to become introverted and dependent, to the point where anybody who desires to control others can and more unnervingly will!

Yes it is scary to get out there and face rejection, but unless we do our physical minds will decrease in creativity and the wealth of the masses will belong only to a few. If the mind becomes all but useless through fear growing and mutating into all the other neural connections, then whoever that type of mind belongs to can and will be controlled by the next available person. Yes to some this may sound paranoid but unless we use our mind and keep a balance between each and every social interactions, sooner or later, one person will always want control as in the book animal farm by George Orwell.

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