The Ryder Self Esteem Recovery Model

Self esteem can be a challenging topic to say the least and is an areas which brings great complexity within the psychological field as unfortunately there are a great many differing views, some say that it is that we hate ourselves, some say it is social phobia?

To make the process a little simpler, I have created a model to describe a path why we can you to understand how the mind copes with trauma and creates low self esteem and how we can take steps to move forward through it. The self esteem recovery model is a visual metaphor which can be used to describe the different stages the mind goes through to cope with challenges on an emotional level.

The two paths on the self esteem recovery models are

1. Learning, growth and self discovery (security)
2. Coping with and recovering from trauma (insecurity)

Path one – learning, growth and self discovery

Path one is walked within the ‘secure’ section in the guardian idolisation model and is the section involved with health learning and growth. For the most efficient learning to happen for an infant, the environment must be challenging (to induce growth) but still within their capabilities, an example of this would be stacking bricks, at first the bricks may fall but the environment is safe, so the infant attempts to stack them again this time realising that a steadier hand is needed, they take extra care and the next time the bricks balance, the infant feels like they have grown and new learning has taken place.

Path one in detail:

Path one: Stage 1 – Discovery
The discovery stage is the part of each person which has the deep seated urge to grow, we are born with a natural instinct to learn, to discover a sense of meaning and a sense of purpose, the more a person can grow the more independent they become leading to a greater awareness for survival. In its natural state, it drives each person through a sense of desire or instinct to look at new things, to be inquisitive, to pick things up, look under things, (and as our abilities grow) to ask questions, travel and meet new people. This sense of hunger and curiosity is not something that we choose to have, it is simply a natural drive.
This drive can be subdued, through low self esteem or anxiety of pain as we will see in path two, but it does not disappear entirely, for the millions of people who assume they may not feel it, it just subdued, liken to putting on a blindfold so we cannot see the sun, the sun is always there it is just we cannot see it at that moment.

Children are usually fluent at the discovery stage when young, but the stage of discovery without knowledge of other environmental influences such as those that can cause physical harm, actions taken at this stage can lead to misinterpretations.

Metaphor
An example of this would be an infant climbing on a chair to get cookies from a jar on top on the kitchen unit, the chair is unstable and the infant is unsure, but the discovery drive pushes them to achieve their goal (no pain is associated to this action as none has been learned)

Path one: Stage 2 – Challenge
A metaphorical description of life is similar to that of a bumper car on the fair ground, sometimes people and situations will clash, sometimes one car will win and sometimes the other car will win and sometimes it will be equal and one or both cars have to reverse to get out of the situation. Life is full of challenges and those challenges can either help us grow or cause us hinder.

At this stage though it is just important to recognise that life will give us challenges, as in the image below, our discovery stage is attempting to move forward toward a chosen goal (i.e. to discover) and a challenge is something that stops (or stands in the way of) reaching the goal from the discovery stage

Metaphor
A challenge to the infant attempting to get the cookies from the top of the kitchen unit, would be a parent walking in the kitchen and picking up the infant and carrying them off into another room. The infant has now been challenged to attaining their goal

Path one: Stage 3 – Question, does this challenge mean pain or pleasure?
The challenge itself does not cause any emotional pain or pleasure (although it may not seem that way) because the challenge is just a situation and is just something that happens to us i.e. being picked up by a parent and carried out of the room.
The pain or pleasure association therefore comes from the person’s perception of the challenge and the perception of whether a challenge means pain or pleasure. This perception will be driven from one of two sources

Source one – We have never experienced this before and it presents pain or pleasure and we store this as a new learning experience (create a new belief)
Source two – We have experienced this before and we assume that the same result will happen again (a belief has been previously formed in association to the experience)

Stage three is where we assign ‘meaning’ to the challenge that is faced and whether that challenge means pain or pleasure, in this case (Path one) the threat or challenge is minimal, the protector self has not been triggered and a new learning has occurred. The mind now goes back to the discovery stage (Stage one) and tries again

Metaphor
The infant is carried of into another room away from the cookies, but looks up to see a smiling parent full of love. The infant associates pleasure to the experience and will try a new approach next time to get the cookies

Path one has now been completed and the loop will cycle until a challenge brings too much pain association to the infant and they move to path two.
Path one is a harmonious loop of growth and self discovery and brings with it a feeling of fulfilment for the individual as it causes the mind and inner creativity to grow.

Path two in detail:

Path two, is in many ways is the opposing side of path one and is the path that the mind walks upon after making an entirely different decision at the questioning stage. From the model we see of path two, it appears looming and heavy journey that many would rather avoid, as it appears to spiral into torment and unfortunately for those who walk it this is how it can feel on a daily basis. True, it is this path that can cause suffering and emotional pain, because in these stages (or some of them) they breed depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of feelings, low self esteem and apathy and more importantly a breeding ground for the con.

The above may not sound as appetising as the first path, but rest assured there is a happy ending (should the walker of path two choose to take it) and although there is suffering in certain stages, that does not necessarily mean that that is how it will be forever. At this point we need to remember that the protector self part of the mind is always within looking for new and creative ways to avoid pain and take each persons situation back up in to the secure section and there is a door that can be walked through as long as we see it.

On path two, we can observe the step by step approach as how the mind initially copes with trauma and then is continually attempting to restore harmony.

NB: It is possible for any of the stages on path two to be reversed and not to continue to the next stage, but only if the protector self has sufficient information to update the original association of pain which caused the decision to go on to path two.

Path two: Stage 1 – Discovery
At this stage, as the aim is to show the different choices we can make, we will assume that the infant is in the same situation as path one but the challenge they face will be different

Metaphor
The infant climbing on a chair to get cookies from a jar on top on the kitchen unit, the chair is unstable and the infant is unsure but the drive pushes them to achieve their goal (no pain is associated to this action)

Path two: Stage 2 – Challenge
Metaphor
This time the parent walks in the kitchen with a short temper and although they have never scolded the infant for climbing on a chair to get cookies before, this scene causes the parent distress and they pick up the infant and shout at them whilst carrying them into another room, the parent sits the infant on the sofa and tells them to stop being naughty, then leaves the room and slams the door.

Path two: Stage 3 – Question, does this challenge mean pain or pleasure?
With such a distressing reaction from the parent (guardian and provider in the infants eyes) the infants protector self is immediately alerted and starts to relate the situation to the potential rejection of the guardian and or loss of security, the infant has taken an action that could potentially threaten security. If there is not enough sufficient resources to draw on (knowledge) and the protector self does not know how to handle the situation or regain security, they will associate pain to the action that the discovery drive has been trying to achieve. (There is more information on the variables of this stage at the end of this chapter)

Metaphor
The infant does not know what to do and feels afraid, but is unsure as to why (the protector self’s hidden reaction) and the infant now has pain associated with getting cookies.

Path two: Stage 4 – Personality shutdown
As the association of pain (and insecurity) is now connected to the initial drive of discovery (Stage one) and the challenge (Stage 2/parent) the protector self will now assume command of the infants decisions and begin the process of disconnection from the ‘true self’ and adopts the ‘social self’ persona, this is where the “I must fit in” reaction occurs and as discussed before this happens in order to preserve the provider of food, water, shelter and attention. The personality shutdown stage behaviour is distinguishable to the outside world through emotions such apathy, loss of drive, sadness and a general loss of drive. At this stage the lack of drive may only be related to the action of ‘getting cookies’

Signs and symptoms of personality shutdown
When a person is in the initial stages of personality shutdown, there will be a general air of frustration but twinned with reluctance to take action. This if left, will slowly grow into apathy and an avoidance of taking actions related to their original trauma

Metaphor
The infant has now become anxious as their protector self starts to display images of pain associated to the cookies on the inner cinema screen, so the infant is not even seeing reality, but what they are told is reality. The inner cinema screen is the memory of the rejection and pain of the parent shouting, this image will be played over and over again until the infant submits to the desire to get more cookies or the image is changed.

Path 2: Stage 5 – Internal paranoia
The stage of internal paranoia is actually in many ways self creating. If we take into account that the protector self has switched on personality shutdown (Stage 4) a sense of apathy begins to manifest in the mind, this ‘shutting down’ brings with it (in many cases) a reluctance to socialise or connect with others. Being alone or restricting outside influences after perceiving trauma (Stage 3) is a lethal cocktail which will breed paranoia because new information and experiences are not being created to compare with the memories of trauma (the inner cinema screen).

The reason for the above is logical to the protector self; if we associate pain to a situation and the protector self keeps playing the memory over and over (to try and keep us safe from harm) all the mind will focus upon is the image of pain and suffering. The pain and suffering is painful in and of itself, but there is also a secondary pain that comes with this, in that, the mind associates similar memories together and if enough memories connect together, the inner cinema screen becomes a raging inferno of pain association and will create a downward spiral effect on the emotions sending the protector self into a panic and creating more protection mechanisms.

The protector self in its attempt to keep us safe can sometimes become confused by reality and the perception of reality (the inner cinema screen) and sometimes the protector self feels they need to protect the person from the images on the cinema screen, when this happens a person will drop into ‘anxiety’ (a fear of what we perceive to be real rather than what is real)

Signs and symptoms
A person in the internal paranoia stage will begin to manifest anxiety toward other areas in life rather than just the original trauma, for example a person believing they are not good enough at singing (through a previous insult) could develop a general sense of anxiety in social situations, as the memories have now warped into a generalised “I am not good enough as a person (as opposed to just a singer)

At the paranoid stage adrenal hormones (caused by anxiety from the inner cinema screen) would usually have had a draining effect on the body’s energy (which can be combated by exercise) or they may display a look of worry or distance (facially/physically) from having to continually endure the internal images of distress.

NB: it is at this stage that the persons face will start to display anxiety or a look of worry, other members in society who feel insecure themselves and want to control other people to regain security (see the mask stage) will observe the look of worry on their targets face/ body and may begin to manipulate their targets weakness/anxiety in a power game.

Metaphor
The infant now begins to get an internal feeling of anxiety about taking new challenges in general. To them (through lack of knowledge) they are unsure as to why, but they start to notice a heavier feeling of uneasiness when new challenges present themselves either at home or playschool. The original anxiety of taking “I get hurt if I try to get cookies” has grown into “I may get hurt if I do new things” (generalised)

Path 2: Stage 6 – The mask
The mask stage is classed as a coping mechanism in which the protector self begins to use a different strategy to attempt to cope with warped reaction to the original trauma.
This in many ways would seem a very contorted reaction for the mind to undertake because looking at it from an observers point of view, it was the protector self’s initial withdrawal that created stages 4 and 5, so in effect the mask is a secondary coping mechanism to cope with the primary coping mechanism, but the protector self is doing its best to cope with the situations it faces in daily life with the experiences and information it has been exposed to.

A metaphorical representation of this would be in the physical condition known as kyphosis lordorsis, which is a physical condition creating a person to develop an arched lower back and hunched shoulder (giving an ‘S’ shape to the spine from a side point of view).
This condition can sometimes be caused by a weak lower back (or other joint issues), which unable to support itself begins to arch, if this were to continue it would give the person a feeling of ‘leaning back too far’ and would eventually become off balance (this can be likened to stages 4 and 5 in the model). So to cope with the imbalance the upper body (shoulders) begin to hunch forward, thereby bringing the body’s centre of gravity back to a form of stability (stage 6, the mask). The body will physiologically be out of line through the condition but it at least is stable for the time being.

The mask coping mechanism is very powerful on many levels and can be very complex to not only the wearer but to society at large. The mask in its make up is an outward disguise or a front (that the person suffering from the continual images of the paranoia stage) will wear. A mask will usually be an action, personality or material gain which reflects the opposite of what the person is trying to hide from in their paranoia.
We will cover types of mask’s further along in this chapter, but a quick example would be

Internal paranoia
Continually showing images on the inner cinema screen of memories/ feelings that they are not valuable enough in society (worthless)

Anxiety reaction
Continual worry that the paranoia image will become true and people will reject them

Mask reaction
The person works hard and strategically in the corporate world and amasses a great financial wealth. With that wealth, they set up a company and hire lots of employees, with so many people now ‘needing’ the person (for money, opportunity and other gains) (and although the original memory of worthlessness has not been resolved and is still trapped in time, inside the subconscious) the person can now easily distract themselves from this pain by looking at what they have achieved and how many people do ‘need’ them.

The mask is a trick, a con (but not ‘the’ con), not only to society, but to the person wearing it, as a very powerful mask is very difficult to decipher what is a true desire and which is the mask that has been created to disguise the internal paranoia.
The protector self creates the mask for two reasons and the wearer of the mask can use it for either or both.

Reason 1: To hide from paranoia (distraction)
Reason 2: To prove to others the opposite of what is being hidden

Reason 1: To hide from paranoia
There is a phrase which is apt here which says “What you are doing is so loud I can’t hear what you say” a mask can sometimes be very action orientated (as we will see in the following examples), however, it is still a distraction from the internal paranoia, a classic mask here is the stereotype workaholic who is so busy all the time they haven’t got time to stop (or stop and listen to their internal paranoia)

Reason 2: To prove to others
One of the most potent emotional pains a human being can suffer is that of rejection leading to total isolation, it is an anxiety that is so powerful it can even lead people to take their own lives; some people may disagree claiming they do not need other people, but this is a mask of denial, connection to other is a survival mechanism.

If the person who has an internal paranoia believes that they are not good enough and people will reject them for who they are, the mask can then drive the person to take actions in the physical world which give the impression to the outside world that they are the opposite of who they are, because inside they are afraid society will see them as i.e. not good enough/ rejectable (as in the above example).

If we go back to the introduction of this book on recall the story of sugar and salt it is easier to see how well hidden a mask can become. What appears to the outside world to be a successful exterior (and in many ways can, if other people’s lives are enriched) can in fact be being driven by a feeling of inadequacy, worthlessness or rejection.
But how do you tell the difference? (We shall soon find out)

Types of masks
The types of masks can literally be in the thousand and be anything and anyone, remember any external motivation driven by a sense of anxiety or paranoia is a mask.

Example 1
A person works 80 hours per week and hardly spends anytime at home with their children and partner.

Possible mask’s emotional driver
I can prove to people that I am a hard worker and get respect from my peers

What the mask may be disguising
I am not good enough as who I am, so I have to impress people with skills
I can’t face my partner and children as I do not feel worthy of their love

Example 2
A person goes out and has many sexual relationships and never commits to anybody claiming to be free and single

Possible mask’s emotional driver
I can have lots of attention and I’m desired, I also feel in control that other can’t reject me

What the mask may be disguising
An anxiety of not being good enough as a person and if anybody was to get too close they may see how unworthy I am
There is not enough in life and it will run out eventually so I must get it while it is here

Example 3
A person who speaks almost continually authoritarian, claiming it to be ‘just the way they are’

Possible mask’s emotional driver
If I am seen as an authority and borderline confrontational, then people will respect me and listen to me.

What the mask may be disguising
I am too weak in comparison to other people and I am ashamed that I fear life’s challenges

Metaphor
The infant now becomes so frustrated from the continual feelings of stress and continually hiding from their anxiety that they reverse their behaviour and start to become loud and boisterous, sometimes causing disruptions at school and at home.
The parents and teacher are confused as to why and punish the child which starts the cycle all over again.

Path 2: Stage 7 – The cocoon
Although the mask in stage 6 may seem an entangled maze in which the wearer of the mask would be forever imprisoned, the protector self has a very clever trick hiding up their sleeve and this is what is known as the cocoon stage

If we take the example of the caterpillar that crawls along and one day starts to spin a cocoon around itself. At first it would seem though the caterpillar is becoming trapped and is unable to escape and in many ways that is true as it just sits there, but underneath the shell something very powerful is going on, the caterpillar is changing into a butterfly.
As a caterpillar its life is restricted and movement is slow, but as a butterfly the world is its garden and free to move about as it chooses.

The cocoon stage is literally the phoenix from the flames stage, in which the person who is suffering the internal torment of paranoia and living behind the mask now has the chance to walk free and let go of the past trauma.

Just as with the caterpillar, the mask now actually becomes a cocoon for the person to hide within themselves and feel a sense of security with everybody else only able to see their mask, this allows the person to go to the quiet place within and have time to question the original trauma back at stage 3.

The cocoon stage is an essential part of growth, but also one of becoming totally vulnerable and open to the original trauma. Anybody who wears a mask can only move into this stage under two conditions,

Condition 1: They trust their mask’s ability to give the appearance that they are the opposite of what they are scared people will see them as. This appearance will be to trick prying eyes or people who may want to emotionally manipulate

Condition 2: They have knowledge of their mind/ psychology and how to move forward through a realisation that their original trauma (stage 3) is just a past memory trapped in time and is not real anymore (or they have other options today).

These two conditions are vital if a person is going to leave the comfort of their mask (which in some cases can be extremely comfortable) and release their original trauma.
Remember the protector self will never move towards what it thinks is pain, pain is a perception and therefore malleable.

Knowledge is power at this stage and knowledge gives the person an ability to question the original trauma for it is the stage 3 trauma that was originally trapped inside and has just grown and grown, if the original trauma is released and come to terms with, (which can, in many cases be relatively easy to cope with when seen through today’s eyes) the mask will have no power over the person anymore and they can choose to wear it or not. The mask though is sometimes very useful to wear as it can give the appearance of what people want to see, this is extremely powerful in the world of business, but we are only free if we can choose to wear it rather than being forced to by the protector self.

Metaphor
The infant (who is now a teenager) has now become the captain of every ball sport in school and is regarded as a true leader (mask), although it has helped other pupils gain confidence and self esteem, it is still the infant’s mask that is driving the teenager to be this leader.

One day the teenager sits quietly and remembers how humiliated and small he felt that he was carried off and shouted at for tying to get the cookies, he also remembers how angry and resentful he felt not only at the parent for stopping him, but more so, at himself for backing down and feeling scared (resentment towards the protector self reaction) and although it is a bitter pill to swallow he realises that he is not that helpless child anymore and he is growing to be a man. From here, he sees the mask as a valuable part of who he is and realises that he does not always have to be a leader if he does not want to be, a sense of relief flows through him as he now sees he has a choice and does not have to fight all the time to prove his worth.
The anxiety stops as the old belief updates itself, his stress reactions slow from releasing as much adrenal hormones and he feels a new sense of energy and freedom.

NB: although the last example gave the teenager as sitting and letting go, in many cases it is not so simple. The protector self must trust the new thoughts and unlock old ones. Sometimes it can take a few hours and sometimes as long as a year if the person has a particularly complex protector self. That being said, should the person resist change or the therapist/coach is of a poor standard, the change may not happen at all. It has been known for a person who is scared to change, to continue being treated with poor quality therapist in order to hinder the change, but there are many more ‘games’ to be aware of in these situations.