A recent question from a client…

Have you ever had the situation where somebody you know or even very close to is bending over backwards to help you out, or be there to tend to your every need, listen to every phone call or fix your car if needs be? But in reality it almost feels as though they are putting their entire life on hold for you? And if you have, have you ever felt the icy grip of guilt creeping up when they start to ask for the return favour which would involve you bending over backward and putting your life on hold while they stand there looking all puppy dog eyed and if you say you cant help they say “oh its ok, I know your busy” or “its ok I wont trouble you” and they slump of in a deflated manner leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

If you have, and feel you have to fight the feelings of guilt for saying no or refusing to put in the same level of return they freely offered, then you have just been manipulated.

This is a technique I call the “shrouded gift” and is where a person does something that oversteps the level of support (goes the extra mile) but not to help you, but to actually gain a control over you by one day being able to ask for the return favour and hoping that any guilt you feel in your mind or heart will be enough to make you crumble to change your mind to yes.
Guilt is one of the 2 killer emotions and leaves the victim who feels the guilt with a bitter taste that they are not as “helpful” “nice” caring” as the other person who first offered help is.

But in reality if this ever happens to you, you must ask yourself “is this person helping me for genuine concern or a hidden need to control me through guilt at a later stage?”

Be prepared to be very open to seeing reality when asking this question as we may not always like to see that somebody we like or are even very close to is doing this, it is not nice to accept that people we love may have this trait, but if they do and you allow it to continue, it will not only hold you back but them as well as how can they learn unless you tell them?

This can happen a great many times in relationships and I have seen it happen many many times with client’s relationships. However the good news is that most people don’t even know they are doing it, and that is good news because it means it is not personal or a personal attack.

Step 1:
Be aware when it is happening

Step 2:
Learn to say no if you do not want to do something

Step 3:
Explain to the person if you feel a manipulation is happening (if you feel comfortable and safe)

Step 4:
Respect your boundaries

Step 5:
If guilt weighs you heavy – Speak to somebody about it, guilt does not disappear by wishing it away